Good Friends vs Toxic Friends

Telling the difference between good friends and toxic friends is especially important for caregivers.  Caregivers simply don't have the dual luxuries of boundless time and energy to invest in friendships that are not reciprocal.  So, here's a quick guide to recognising good friends and toxic friends.

TOXIC FRIENDS

For caregivers, there are two common types of toxic friends; the troll and the narcissist.  The troll is someone who calls and visits often.  He or she will ask many questions about your loved one and may even visit in hospital to chat over coffee or lunch.  They will appear warm and concerned, while inquiring into the minutiae of your loved one's symptoms and treatments.  This type of toxic friend does not offer help of any kind.  They simply want to know.  The human drama of a caregiver's life provides vicarious interest and fodder for their dinner table chat, but that is all.  This type of friend cannot make the intellectual leap between listening to your experience and offering to sit with your loved one or doing your grocery shopping.

The second type of toxic friend is the narcissist.

Narcissists rarely, if ever, ask how you or your loved is doing.  They are bored by others' experiences, so constantly direct the conversation back to themselves.  No matter how difficult a caregiver's situation may be, it will always be worse for a narcissist - and despite their healthy family status, they will want you to listen and sympathise.

GOOD FRIENDS

Caregivers soon find out that longstanding friendships don't necessarily translate into good friendships when the going gets tough.  Some lifelong friends do show their loyalty and generosity, while others suddenly become too busy to call or drop by.  The messy and often sad events in caregivers' lives may be too difficult for some people to witness and absorb.  The fact is, not everyone is cut out for helping others through the toughest times. The trick is to determine quickly who will be a good friend for the long haul and who may be limited in their ability to walk with you through your caregiving journey.  Wise and experienced caregivers will advise forgiveness in the case of friends who disappear upon hearing your loved one's diagnosis.  Holding on to bitter feelings will only make it more difficult to spot new friends who genuinely want to help.


The extraordinary friend is one who intuits your needs, listens without judgement, visits often and always brings food.  The new friend is an acquaintance who, upon hearing that you are giving care, offers help that is truly helpful.  The kindness of new friends is always a surprise - often the most helpful friends are those you would least expect.  Whether a good friend is old or new, it is clear that your friends are those who truly want to help.  Friends will want to give what they can.  Some may not cook, but their keen wit can suddenly flip fear into hilarity - that is a gift to a caregiver.

KEEPING FRIENDS

Caregivers have the obligation of reciprocating friendship, too.  Most often, this means saying thank you.  The sincere expression of gratitude is not a sign of weakness or evidence that the caregiver is miserably incapable of handling a loved one's needs independently.  The gracious acceptance of help and friendship in the full knowledge that love flows both ways, is the key here.  Good friends say,  "You look tired. Here, let me help you."  That's just what good friends do.

My book, 'The Four Walls of My Freedom: Lessons I've Learned From a Life of Caregiving' (House of Anansi Press) is now available from all major booksellers in the USA and Canada

Caregivers Have the Secret to a Long and Happy Life

Recently, two articles caught my eye.  One was a Johns Hopkins study showing that surprisingly,  caregivers live longer than their non-caregiving counterparts.  The other article reported on the happiest country in the world according to the World Happiness Report - Denmark.  Why are Danes so happy?  Apparently, their society is one of equals supporting each other.  Denmark is a country based on "WE", not "ME".  

Here in North America, we might have something to learn from looking at Danish society and putting their elements of happiness together with caregiver longevity.  Rather than aspiring to independence and the accumulation of personal wealth, we should consider championing the idea of interdependence and altruism.  It's making Danes happy and it's helping caregivers live longer - that sounds good to me.  

It was the Johns Hopkins Center for Aging and Health that conducted the longevity study in caregivers.  John Roth, Center Director, admits that caregivers faced with levels of extreme stress along with little social support will certainly not be happy or healthy.  But, Roth says, “In many cases, caregivers report receiving benefits of enhanced self-esteem, recognition and gratitude from their care recipients. Thus, when caregiving is done willingly, at manageable levels, and with individuals who are capable of expressing gratitude, it is reasonable to expect that health benefits might accrue in those situations...If highly stressful situations can be avoided or managed effectively, caregiving may actually offer some health benefits for both the care recipients and the caregivers, including reduced risk of death for those providing care.” 

So, what might government policies look like that take into account reasonable levels of caregiving?  Denmark has some answers to that question.  Some of the happiness indicators under review in the World Happiness Index were a sense of social support, freedom to make life choices and a culture of generosity.  Of course, these were in addition to financial wellbeing, healthy life expectancy at birth and a lack of corruption in political leadership.  The Danish government has programs that support parents - maternity and paternity leave is generous.  Danes believe that access to health care is an absolute right and the continuity of care is built in to a system that is based on the central role of the family physician.  Gender equality is ingrained in social assistance programs, enabling more women to work and contribute financially to their households.  Finally, Danish culture is one that cultivates a sense of optimism.  They combat the effects of an inhospitable climate with the hospitality of the home.  They seek out and share something called hygge - cultivated cosiness.  

As a caregiver, I want to share 'hygge' with my loved ones at home every day.  I'm betting that if policymakers asked caregivers, we would have some really good ideas about what makes a happy and long life for ourselves and our families.