What Did You Learn About Care From Your Mother?

Mother's Day 2014 got me wondering how we learn to be good caregivers - what lessons about caring did we learn from our own mothers?  I asked friends and colleagues who are caregivers on social media to tell me what they learned from their Moms and this is what they said:

Susan: Fierceness..is that a word? My mom has always been extraordinarily protective and supportive of us. God forbid anyone harm us or dare lay a hand on us, or say anything malicious. She would turn from a gentle, sweet-humoured lady into an assertive tigress in the blink of an eye. I carry forth that same fierceness, it has done me well in advocating for my handicapped child. I don't give up,I don't accept any sort of maliciousness or injustice. I, too, become assertive in the blink of an eye. I'm 46 and fierce, while my mother has mellowed in her golden years. Well, unless you try to mess with one of her brood!!

Anchel: My mom always handled tough situations with grace. A lot of grace.

Kara: Strength.

Jana-Marie:  How to question doctors and nurses and not be afraid to ask anything, as well as good hand washing with health issues.

Amina: Faith, my mom taught me that I can try to control my life and my kids' and plan to avoid anything that can harm them. But I won't always succeed. So when I feel hopeless and everything around me is going wrong I should remember that we are all like leaves in the wind, yet we should have faith that we shall never be blown too far to come back. Miss you so much mama.

Brianne: Always see the good in everyone and be your child's biggest strength, voice and cheerleader.

Kim: My mom was an RN and I witnessed her nurse my sister who had severe asthma...that was the foundation, but the fill was when she had the four of us and took on my cousins for a year...being open and doing your best!

Julie: My mother was (is) very nurturing...making sure we had warm pajamas, warm feet, clean, cozy, loved.

Marie: Mother's Day is always emotional and painful for me. My mom is on the schizophrenia spectrum. What I learned from her is to question, cite, fact check, cross reference EVERYTHING: even things I think I know. To accept different neurologies as a part of natural diversity. To forgive myself -- I did not cause her schizophrenia, nor did I cause his autism. To sift through hyperbole and hysteria and find facts. All of these often put me at odds with other parents -- in particular other moms. I have been through this type of grieving already, and am on the other side. I appear like a know-it-all, but I am not. I just had a very different mom, and that changed me forever.

Diana: My Mother told me that there are no guarantees in life. That what comes our way, we have to accept, embrace and do our best. Skip the 'pity parties', everyone in life is dealing with something. She said love unconditionally. She also told me that every day to do three good deeds without expecting anything back; that just in doing those things it would make your day go better. It has helped in parenting and in life in general. this was all said before I became a parent

Karen: Suffering builds character.

Tammy: To always look at the positive side. Things could always be worse than they are.

Alison: I think the biggest lessons she taught me was to be patient and live with grace. I just wish that my natural temperament was more in keeping with her lessons because I find both of these things more than a little challenging. I fail often, but I never stop trying (a lesson from my daddy).

Paula: I learned everything from her. For when nana went blind she moved in with us and her sister too. When grampa got sick out went the dinning room table and in came the hospital bed...This is how I learned.

Beth: My mom wasn't afraid to question a teacher or a doctor or whoever was "in charge." In an era when that just wasn't done. She liked to say "I am the MOM, I am the ultimate authority on this child." and that has helped me greatly when I needed to do the same.

Me:  I loved hearing about caregiving lessons passed down from mothers to daughters.  And so of course, I've been reflecting about the lessons my own Mom taught me.  I've written about my Mom before - she's a very feisty character.  For a start, Mom always worked outside our home (she couldn't stand housework and coffee parties) - she was an anomaly in our 1950's neighbourhood!  What did I learn from my Mom?  I learned self-reliance, a deep sense of appreciation, a passion for making wrongs right.  I learned how to really laugh when life throws curve balls and most of all, I learned how to forcefully put one foot in front of the other to keep going, every day. 

We all learn lessons of nurturing and caring from our mothers and today I want to celebrate that legacy.  Happy Mother's Day, everyone!

Meet My Mother - A Natural-Born Activist

My mother is, well, unique.  When I was in kindergarten, I walked to school - alone.  All the other children were dropped off by their parents, but my Mom just woke me up, left a bowl of cereal at the end of my bed (who doesn't love breakfast in bed?) and after we both got dressed, she left for work and we parted ways at the front door.  Mom was the only woman in our neighborhood to be employed outside the home.  She had no interest whatsoever in cooking ("Here, eat this peanut butter sandwich so you won't be hungry anymore") and she cleaned, but not for fun.  My Mom was the original independent, hard-nosed, who-cares-what-the-neighbors-think feminist.

Mom's moral compass is embedded in her DNA - she didn't learn right from wrong at university - she never went.  After the depression, only the boys had that privilege.  But Mom always had a job; usually as a secretary at our school.  She always took jobs that allowed her to be home with us during school holidays.

Growing up, I watched with a mixture of fascination, mortification and eventually pride as Mom would become exorcised over some perceived unfairness that my sister or I suffered at school.  On my first day of grade one, Mom let my teacher have it.   After school, I told my parents how during class, I had put up my hand to ask for a drink from the hallway water fountain.  The day was scorching and in those days, there was no air conditioning.  The teacher refused to let any child out of class, even for water.  Mom worked in my school as the secretary and the principal was also our parish priest.  My first day at that school was also my last and I was transferred out of Catholic school into our local public one.  The priest came knocking on our door at home and pleaded with Mom to put me back into Catholic school, on religious grounds.  He might as well have been talking to a post.

Once, I remember that my Dad made the mistake of telling Mom (who was dressed in her pyjamas at the time) not to have her morning coffee and cigarette on our front porch.  "I don't want the neighbours to be looking over here", he said.  That was Mom's cue to dance around a birch seedling in our front lawn, may-pole style.   My sister and I screeched with laughter and Dad just shook his head.

When my sister Karen had premature twins, Mom was there for night duty.  When Nicholas was diagnosed with disabilities, Mom arrived with a pot of 'stew' (her signature dish), boxes of chocolate cookies (the marshmallow kind called "Whippets") and cuddles at the ready.

When the children were small and I became exhausted from round the clock care for Nick, Mom invited me and Natalie on a holiday to her rental property in Florida.   Even though Natalie was only three, Mom 'taught' her how to play tennis, letting me sleep for the first two days of our holiday.

(Florida with Mum and StepDad Bill)

Once, when the children were a little older, Mom came to visit and help out around the house.  I arrived home from a therapy appointment with Nicholas to find my mother outside on ladder, cigarette dangling from her lips, washing the windows.  She was about 70 at the time.  "Mom!  What are you doing?!  Get down from there!", I shouted in alarm.  "Well, the windows aren't going to wash themselves, they're dirty.  And where's your ironing?  I'll do that when I'm finished.  You go lie down. Now."  That was Mom - direct, unapologetic, funny and slightly outrageous.

Today, Mom still smokes and enjoys her chocolate bars with a rum and coke.  She plays a mean hand of duplicate bridge and beats me every time at scrabble.  A couple of years ago, Mom got so annoyed at the cost of cigarettes, that she wrote a letter to the editor of her local paper voicing her opinion that seniors who contributed to the war effort should be exempt from paying taxes on smokes.

What did I learn from my mother?  I learned resilience, assertiveness, kindness, loyalty and a passion for justice.  These are all qualities that I endeavor to use daily in my work as a caregiver activist.  Thank you Mom, and Happy Mother's Day.  You are one of a kind and I love you.

Mothers and Daughters are Closest When Daughters Become Mothers

As I look out of my living room window, I think about my neighbors.  I don't know anyone in my area who has invited an aging parent to live at home, together with children and grandchildren. But could this trend of isolating ourselves from our elders be slowly changing?  I'm hearing more and more of my contemporaries worry aloud about the unpleasantness of a future being warehoused with legions of other baby boomers.  People my age are beginning to actively plan co-habiting with groups of friends, living in hotels (if they can afford it) or living in households with multiple generations.  The picture of families caring for each other is changing.  

So, I jumped at the chance when an online colleague approached me for the opportunity to write a guest post about wanting her own mother to come and live with her family at some point in the future when care requirements became more than just delivering the occasional casserole.  I wondered what reasons younger families have today for inviting their parents to share their home.   

My guest blogger is Noami Esterly.  Naomi divides her time between managing a house of three boys (her husband and two kids) and a newborn baby girl, volunteering in her community center and writing freelance for 1800Wheelchair.Com.  In her guest post below she shares an open letter to her mom.  

Thank you, Naomi, for sharing the love you feel for (and learned from) your Mom. 

An Open Letter To My Mom

Dear Mom,

You are the one who has always been there for me. You nurtured me when I was a baby, guided me when I was a child, and, now that I am a grown woman, you are my friend. You taught me how to love, and I can think of no better role model from whom to pattern my own motherhood. Even though I realize that I do not say it enough, I love you, and I appreciate all that you have done for me more than you will ever know.

I know that in my busy schedule we have grown farther apart than I would like. I miss you very much, and I promise to set aside more time for mother-daughter bonding as well as quality time with your grandchildren. You have fashioned me into the woman I am today, and I would love for you to watch my three beautiful children grow with the guidance you have instilled in me.

For all of your patience, friendship, and love throughout my entire life, I am forever in your debt. Now that I have a family of my own, I want you to be a part of it, and I want to be there for you always as you have always cared for me. Therefore, I would like you to consider coming to live with my family should you ever need assistance. It would be a wonderful way for you to bond with your grandchildren, and they, in turn, would grow up with the fortune of having known their beloved grandmother so well. When they are off to school for the day, you and I could go for walks, shop, go to museums, cook and bake together, or anything else we can imagine. Should you ever need mobility assistance, I would be there for you to take you anywhere you want to go. I could push you in a wheelchair so that you do not miss out on anything that you would like to see or to do.

I would take wonderful care of you, mom, because you showed me how to do so when you raised me. Once my children are grown and out of the house, we would still have so much fun together. You would also be able to watch your grandchildren closely as they graduate from college, marry, have babies of their own, and succeed at various accomplishments that would make us both proud. I believe that we should spend more time together as a family, and living with us would provide for the best opportunity to do so. I never want you to feel as though you are helpless or unable to live the life you desire. I want to be there for you whether you need me or not, because I love you.

Please do not fear that I feel obligated to spend more time with you or take care of you should the need arise. Because of you, I have never known life without love. You are my mother, and nothing would bring me greater joy than to reciprocate that love and care. I love you, mom.

Always,

Naomi