Confessions of an Ambivalent Caregiver: I Love This New Memoir

One of the privileges of writing a blog for caregivers is that occasionally, someone sends me a book to review. (This makes me very happy.) Today I want to tell you about a wonderful new memoir I received called True Confessions of an Ambivalent Caregiver by Cindy Eastman. Eastman is an award-winning author whose first book, Flip-Flops After 50: And Other Thoughts On Aging I Remembered To Write Down, was published in 2014. She has essays in several other anthologies and in online magazines and writes a weekly essay called Silver Linings. Cindy lives with her husband, Angelo, in Watertown, Connecticut.

This book tells the story of Cindy and Angelo's caregiving journey with Cindy's parents, but especially her father. I connected immediately with the author's brutal and sometimes delightful coupling of frustration with gratitude and love with annoyance. I could relate strongly to her sense of "what the hell just happened to our life?" when "Dad" moved into the author's home. This is a memoir that will offer deep comfort to caregivers who believe they are alone in feeling unspeakably complicated emotions as they move through helping a parent navigate the last stage of his or her life. 

Here is a small but delicious taste of True Confessions of An Ambivalent Caregiver:

What really happened was this: Dad didn't come live with us, blending in with our schedules, our commitments, and our social arrangements. We now live with him - in our home. The way Angelo and I lived our lives before my dad moved in now must work around an entirely different schedule and a new level of needs.

It's a subtle but significant distinction. Discovering this hasn't made me regret my decision; in fact, it helps now that I have a clearer understanding about what we've gotten ourselves into. For a while, I thought I could continue working on my book, run my writing retreats, pick up a couple of classes, and still work part-time with my husband in our parenting program. The half dozen or so other commitments I had inked in to my calendar - meetings mostly, from the casual coffee with a friend to the numerous town committees on which I serve - would have to be turned back into pencil. Or sometimes, canceled.

We were empty nesters for many years before my dad moved in. As a result, Angelo and I both created a flexible schedule with abundant time to share. Our home was big enough to modify, and we had a desire to help. It seems like an ideal situation. We felt very grown up and pragmatic about making this decision. We knew we couldn't anticipate everything, but we felt whatever did come up, we could handle it. That seemed reasonable.

What I learned, however, was sure, we can handle things that come up, but effectively handling the events that pop up on a consistent basis while also trying to maintain a demeanor of calm and competence is draining. Even anticipated situations required a greater level of energy and patience than I've ever had to draw on, even more so than when I was a single parent twenty-five years ago. Decisions we made that seemed like a good idea at the time ended up being pretty bad decisions. For example, sending my husband off to Italy for three weeks seemed like a good way to stay committed to our plan of visiting his hometown for at least a month each year; a plan we had only commenced the year before. (He ended up staying since we knew we couldn't turn a bad decision into a good one by simply reversing it.) So, we're learning as we go. The biggest thing I learned is that even though the whole family was involved in the decision to bring my dad into our home, the caretaking responsibility largely rests on one person. In our case, it's me.

If you care for a parent and feel like an "ambivalent caregiver", buy this book now. It's the validation that we all need to feel less alone - and it's a great read. Available at all major booksellers in the USA and Canada.