It is my pleasure to host this guest post by Hanna Landman. Sharing eldercare with siblings is a subject that's especially close to my heart because I share care for my Mom with my sister (who shoulders most of the care because she lives in the same city as our Mom). Luckily, my sister and I work together really well to each do what we can. Here are some great strategies to share care fairly!
When a parent starts aging and their health starts declining,
the ones closest will often feel the responsibility to shoulder the daily
chores of caregiving. When there is a spouse who is capable of this full time
job, the task will fall on them. However, in lots of cases, it becomes the
responsibly of the children.
As children, taking on such a responsibility is really a
privilege. After all, our parents care for us for so many years. From the early
stages of pregnancy and throughout our childhood and young adult years, they’re
always there, nurturing, feeding, bathing, teaching, and playing. They show us
an outpouring of love, undivided attention, care and concern every day and
every night for years on end. Never relaxing, never taking time off from the
most precious job in the world, the job of being a parent. And then, after all
those years of the undiluted love and upbringing, the tables turn and the very
people who took care of us who now need us to care for them.
And yet, despite it being a privilege, it is also a
tremendous challenge. It’s an emotional roller-coaster just coming to terms
with the new reality and it can be very painful to see your parents suffer and
become so dependent on others. Juggling your parent’s needs with your other
responsibilities, such as your job, your own family and more, is another issue
that can leave a child caregiver physically and emotionally exhausted.
Above these difficulties, there is another point which begs
to be discussed – the challenge of sharing the caregiving burden with others.
Ellie W. from New Jersey is one of six children, four of whom
live in the same city as her elderly mom.
“We are all grownups and have families on our own,” shares
Ellie, “but we just can’t seem to agree on almost anything when it comes to our
mother’s care. Every time there is a problem that needs a decision, there are
six different opinions on what should be done.”
What are some ways to address this challenge? Ellie and
other caregivers like her recommend the following concepts that get them
through the challenge and keep everyone happy:
1. Communication
Talk and listen. Have every one of the siblings sit down
together with your parents and go through all the possible options of care that
is needed. You may choose to have a nurse or aid with some experience in the
field guide you through this.
“No one child should make any decisions themselves,” advises
Howard P., who shares the caregiving task for his dad with three sisters, “without
first getting the consent and input from everyone. This creates an open line of
communication where no one feels left out or ignored. Another positive aspect
of doing so is that it encourages everyone to share equally in the
responsibility.”
2. Delegating
Tasks
Each sibling should be given a clear directive of what their
responsibility is. There are so many different jobs and tasks that have to get
done. The siblings who live in town should share the day-to-day responsibilities
of visiting and/or checking on the elderly parent regularly, getting things
done around the house (such as housework, paperwork, gardening, etc.), bringing
in the mail, doing the shopping and bringing the parent to appointments. The siblings
who live out of town may want to get involved by sharing some of the financial
responsibility.
“One of my siblings who lives out of town,” says Ellie,
“can’t take on any financial responsibility, but she wants to be involved, so
she took on herself to come in every few months for a week or two and take over
so that those of us who are involved all the time can take a short break. We
all really appreciate that she does that, and hope that she continues to stick
with it – everyone’s gotta have a break sometimes!”
3. Focus
on your Parent’s Needs
Try to remember that your parent’s needs take precedence
over your own when you are dealing with their care. It’s easy to lose yourself
in your own emotions and get worked up about your siblings’ decisions,
participation, lack of participation or anything else they do or don’t do.
Always take care not to decide to do something simply because
it’s best for you, but rather do whatever is best for your parents, even if it’s
hard and inconvenient.
Leah H., who cares for her aging parents together with two
other siblings, says, “My job is to put their feelings before mine. This isn’t
about me; it’s about my parents and their needs. Of course there are many times
when I can find a way to make us all happy – but when I can’t, my goal is to at
least make my parents happy. I find that this approach really helps keep the
peace between us siblings – after all, there is no reason to argue: it’s not
about you or me; it’s about what our parents need. It’s a great peace-making
tactic!”
* * *
To all the dedicated caregivers out there - never forget
that your parents did everything for you out of pure love – now is your time to
return the love to them. Try to remember all the sleepless nights your mom and
dad had while they were caring for you. Remember all the good times you had
with them. Remember how they always they gave you everything so that you could
be where you are today. At times, caregiving can be very taxing, but never
forget, taking care of a child was just as hard, and they did it for you. Caregiving
for your parent is your opportunity to give back – and when viewed that way, it
isn’t nearly as hard to do.
Good luck!
*Some names may have been changed
to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.
About the author: Hanna
Landman lives in New Jersey with her husband and child. She writes for AvaCare
Medical, an online medical supply store servicing seniors and the homebound
across the US. You can see some of her published work about senior care and
more here.
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