Resilience is a word that’s thrown around a lot these
days. Everyone needs it and everyone
wants it, especially people giving or receiving care. And
the truth is we all need resilience the most at times of big life changes or
transitions.
We mine our reserves of strength and optimism when our
children with disabilities graduate to high school, or even scarier –
adulthood. We look for ways of coping
and remaining calm when our aging parents move from family homes into assisted
living accommodations. What exactly is
resilience, and how can we all get some?
To me, resilience is the ability to remain whole throughout
a process of change. Profound,
transformative change buffets us, threatening to fracture or morph us into
forms of being that we no longer recognize as ourselves. Resilient people do not think about change as
primarily consisting of loss and they weather transition without being
destroyed by it. They see their core as
impermeable and perceive change as just that: a transformation of their
environment. Resilient people look at
their new surroundings and ask, “What can I do today with all of this?”
My husband’s aunt Nellie is a geriatric
physiotherapist. She helps elderly
residents of Montreal to maintain their mobility and independence as long as
possible. I asked her what she thought
was the principal ingredient of resilience in her clients. “I think people who weather change the best
are those who aren’t alone”, she said, and then added, “Those who do well are the ones whose
families have talked WITH them all through the planning of a move.” Nellie explained that when an elderly person
has a debilitating accident, for example, and is transported to a nursing home
without prior discussions or consultations about the move, that individual is
bound to be confused and heartbroken by his transition.
I reflected on our family’s move back to Canada from England
in 2011. Our son Nicholas was to move
into a care home directly from the airport upon arrival. I thought about our entire family supporting
Nick with daily visits for months after his move. I thought about our long family discussions with
Nick about his impending move from home. I remembered that I bunked in with
Nick for the first couple of weeks in order to train staff and support our
young man. Certainly he wasn’t alone and
for sure, he had the opportunity to voice opinions, hopes and fears about what
the future might hold at his new address.
That said, transition is never easy, because change is
uncomfortable. It threatens our habitual
ways of being and stresses our sense of ease in daily life. From time to time Nicholas still expresses
his worries about his life away from us and we are there to listen.
Nick being welcomed to his new digs by family and friends - August 30, 2011
I think Nellie is right – helping someone (and ourselves) be
resilient at times of transition is about understanding the power of group
support and it’s about talking through the change. The next time I feel threatened by a looming
transition in my family, I’ll try to remember Nellie’s good advice, because weathering
change with resilience makes us strong and wise – qualities that are like gold
– beautiful and precious.
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