On our call was Wendy Kruse, founder of the Military Special Needs Network (USA), Laurie Wallin, a parenting life coach with a specialization in the resilience of special needs families and Adrienne Gruberg, founder of the Caregiver's Survival Network.
As caregivers, mothers, wives and daughters, we compared experiences and reflections on advocating online as well as giving care to our loved ones at home. We began to chat about the gender balance of caregivers. "Is caregiving the exclusive domain (like it or not) of women?" we asked. The older of us in the group responded a unanimous "yes" to that question and a younger special needs Mum on the line reported that younger Dads are taking up the caring gauntlet as much as they can. We all agreed though, that if someone has to give up employment in the case of a child with disability, it is still most likely to be the mother. Raising a child with disability or caring for an elderly relative with high needs is a full-time job.
Last year, I blogged about a conference I attended at Cambridge University in England on the subject of women and leadership. The title of my blog was "Balancing the Boardroom with the Babies". On the panel that day were high profile, highly successful businesswomen. The CV's of participants were no less impressive. Everyone wanted to talk about the impossible task of balancing their care responsibilities at home with those at the office. Most reported feeling guilty much of the time - at the office, they worried about home...and vice versa. The guilt-free group members were most interesting. One CEO said blithely, "I'm no good at domestic affairs, so I just outsource my children, that way they are looked after by people who are much better at it than me. I'm good at business." Another mother said, "We women say we want it all. But when we say that, we really mean that we refuse to relinquish any of the sacred territory of motherhood and that special bond. If we really want it all, we need to be OK with giving that up in large part to our partners." I found these different styles of exercising care responsibilities to be fascinating.
Do you believe that caregiving is women's work? Should it be? If most caregivers are women and we believe that is unfair, what is our responsibility in changing that social dynamic? How can we share care without giving up the intimacy we build with our vulnerable charges?
Do you believe that caregiving is women's work? Should it be? If most caregivers are women and we believe that is unfair, what is our responsibility in changing that social dynamic? How can we share care without giving up the intimacy we build with our vulnerable charges?
3 comments:
Thanks for this post! It's true, caregiving responsibilities often fall to the sisters or daughters or mothers. I think many women do not identify themselves as caregivers, and consequently do not seek out the help they need, because they assume it's their responsibility as a woman.
However, it seems that it's becoming typical for a caregiver to assume the role because of a variety of other factors. Geographic location, financial status, family situation etc. Many men, especially those of the younger generations, are in the caregiving community. Today, men are more likely to be involved with duties that were considered to be exclusively in the "female realm," like cooking and cleaning, allowing them to assuming caregiving responsibilities more easily.
For those that discredit caregiving because it should be a woman's job, needs to take a look at the physical strength and stamina, mental exhaustion and stress, and love and patience required of caregivers.
No, care giving is a calling, in my case as a husband of a ten-year bedridden wife. Not only is it a calling, but a very high one, and admittedly may be harder for men, who tend not to have that natural motherly-instinct to tend, but I will care for my love until the end.
This destiny even changed the tack of my web mastery career, when I took on a full time job running fifteen DME sites for a local medical supply company, and this has worked into my home health care by way of much knowledge on DME items we need. The insurance companies, not to specifically name them, neither the agencies, tend to miss the best choices for supplies, and I catch it every time.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Caregiving is a role that we fall into and it sounds like you 'fell forward' - that you are steadfast and creative, two fantastic qualities for an excellent caregiver. Your wife is blessed.
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