The Tiniest New Year's Resolution

It's the new year - a time for hope and resolutions. But it's also 2022 and we're in the midst of a new surge in the pandemic. The usual template for hope and resolutions doesn't fit. So what ARE some positive changes we can make right here, right now? Maybe this New Year offers us an opportunity to look inward and reflect on the meaning of our caregiving lives. Can we make tiny changes that will help nudge us into a clearer sense of self?

For caregivers, change is not so easy.  We want our imaginations to drift into the dream territory of “who would I like to be?”, but we are pulled back quickly to, “who MUST I be?”  Even the question of “who have I become?” for caregivers is tricky and complicated.  Perhaps the only answer to that query is found in another question, “Who WAS I?”

For caregivers, the dance of competing identities is refereed by personal freedom or the lack of it.  Ideas of spontaneity, whimsical choice, time wasted, hobbies enjoyed – these are foreign to most caregivers.  And yet, our true selves are most evident in such deeply personal activities.  Unfettered by the concerns of others, do I prefer solitude or company?  Would I choose to knit or to dance?  Taken together, these choices tell us about ourselves and give us a clear sense of who we are, or who we used to be.

Time and time again, caregiving counsellors wag their fingers at us, “Take time for yourself”, they say.  But sometimes, carving out space and time is not so easy, especially if that muscle isn’t exercised regularly.  I remember once, sitting at home when my husband took the children to the park.  I didn’t know what to do – I tried to read a magazine, but the pictures and writing were meaningless to me.  I had lost my sense of self.  I was given a sliver of freedom,  but I didn’t know what to do with it.

Sometimes layering on architecture for action helps.  A thought or idea can perform this function.  Something like, “I can’t go outside today, but I am here in this room.  What actual choices do I have here, right now?”  Taking time to look around and choose to wash the dishes instead of baking a cake can be revealing.  Pondering the meaning of small choices can help to answer the question, “Who am I now that I am a caregiver?”  Choosing to wash the dishes may provoke a realisation that warm, soapy water is soothing, or that there is satisfaction in a tidy sink.  Perhaps baking a cake is an act that is infused with love and the memory of birthdays past.  Perhaps these choices echo back a message that the caregiver identity is a nurturing one.  Meanings that can be discerned about personhood from small choices in daily living will fuel a sense of power and self-knowledge.

Perhaps a worthy caregiver New Year’s resolution would be to reconcile past and present identities.  “Who would I like to be?” is more difficult, but not impossible to ponder.  Maybe the way toward that tricky territory is to change the question to, “Who would I like to be today?”  The answer could form a worthy resolution for 2022.

From my family to yours and to all Caregivers everywhere, Happy New Year.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR A SPECIAL OFFER

Dr. Zachary White and I both received our author's boxes of books last week (so exciting!). That means it's time to order THE UNEXPECTED JOURNEY OF CARING: The Transformation From Loved One to Caregiver. If you buy a copy and send me an image of your receipt (email me at [email protected]), I'll send the first 100 readers a signed book plate sticker to inside the front cover. 

Here are some quotes about our book from leaders in the family caregiving movement: 

"Finally! A totally honest assessment of the caregiving experience. Whether you are a 'newbie' or a long-term caregiver, this book illustrates all we have in common and gives us guidelines to cope wherever we are in our journey." 
- Adrienne Gruberg, founder and president, The Caregiver Space

"The Unexpected Journey of Caring provides insights into the mind and heart of the family caregiver. After reading this book you'll better understand the caregiving emotions and thoughts that can feel so confusing and lead to so much guilt!" 
- Denise Brown, founder of www.caregiving.com and the National Caregiving Conference

"Nobody grows up planning to be caregiver, but many of us will become one and sometimes when we least expect it. Thomson and White bring powerful insights to help us understand what it means to be a caregiver and how to truly support those of us who will travel this unexpected journey."
- Samir K. Sinha, director of geriatrics, Sinai Health System and University Health Network, Toronto; health policy research director, National Institute on Aging (Canada)

"Thomson and White expertly describe the effects of being a caregiver, including effects one might not be aware of, and the transformation that takes place in our lives because of our caregiving roles."
- Pamala D. Larsen, PhD, RN, CRRN, professor emeritus, University of Wyoming, editor of Lubkins Chronic Illness: Impact and Intervention

"The Unexpected Journey of Caring is most remarkable because it is not only practical but also philosophical. It represents a definitive guide to understanding the phenomenon of caregiving within the context of human relations."
- Dr. Aaron Blight, founder, Caregiving Kinetics

THE UNEXPECTED JOURNEY OF CARING is available from all major online booksellers everywhere. 
In the USA: Amazon, Barnes and Noble
In Canada: Amazon and Chapters Indigo
In the UK and rest of the world: Amazon
The book release is on June 8th, so pre-order your hardcopy or kindle edition now for early delivery. 

I really look forward to hearing your thoughts about how we've described the personal transformation in caregiving. Let the conversation begin! 

How Our Book Became a Fabulous Short Film

Dr. Zachary White and I have co-written a new book called The Unexpected Journey of Caring: The Transformation From Loved One to Caregiver. It's coming out on June 8th (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.) and we are really excited to begin the public conversation about our ideas!

Eric Schultz and Tyler Funk are two young animation artists who wanted to make a short film for the Telus Fund Stories for Caregivers series. We all met and voila! Here is the wonderful result - our book in an animated short film form! If you love it as much as we do, please share.

LOSING YOUR IDENTITY AND BEING A CAREGIVER

Guest Post by Caregiver Melanie Anderson - thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience, Melanie!

Being my husband's primary caregiver, for much of the time, his only caregiver, has taken it's toll on me.

One of my biggest challenges was losing a sense of self. As Eric's care got more intense and technical, it consumed my whole day. 24 hours of it for days on end. I was not the same Melanie. Not only was I mourning the loss of my husband as I knew him, but losing myself in all this as well.

Here are some tips I was given and I wanted to pass them on. I think these tips apply to many situations.

1. Look back at old pictures and remember activities you enjoyed before all this ALS crap went down. Think about what made you excited previously and bring that Melanie back slowly. Simply because my wifely duties and priorities have changed, doesn't mean I needed to drop all of my previous interests and hobbies.

2. Reach out. I'm good at this. Sometimes too good. But it's important to have an army by your side. Some who will be REAL with you too. Not just ones to blow sunshine your way whenever you're down. You need those too though so don't count them out. And you know what.. people want to help out. It feels good to make someone else's day a little brighter.

3. Reach out. I can't stress this enough. You can't do it all yourself all of the time. This illness has taught my kids so much about being humble and empathy towards others who are hurting. Showing your kids there's no shame in asking for help is also an important life lesson. They will have times in their life when being a mountain unto themselves will not work.

4. Journal. My friend Heather gave me a book to journal with in the middle of Eric's journey with this disease. I can look back and see how far we've come. The kids have gone through some really hard times. And I've felt like a failure. But, reading back at all that's happened and how well they're doing is reassuring. Maybe my parenting skills don't suck that much after all.

5. Don't beat yourself up. And don't be afraid to get some professional help if you need it. Seriously.

6. And don't forget that you KICK ASS. I look in the mirror every morning and tell myself this very thing. And yes, I really do. Do you know why? Because I really do. And you know what else? So do you!

Melanie Anderson is married with two children and they live in the Vancouver area. She is also a full time caregiver to her husband with ALS. Blessings are found in unusual places. 

A New Year Reflection on Caregiver Identity

It's almost New Year's Eve - that day when lots of folks make resolutions for positive change.  Gyms and health clubs are usually busy in January, full of people with good intentions for healthy living.  Today and tomorrow, many will ponder how to set a new course for 2014.

For caregivers, change is not so easy.  We want our imaginations to drift into the dream territory of "who would I like to be?", but we are pulled back quickly to, "who MUST I be?"  Even the question of "who am I?" for caregivers is tricky and complicated.  Perhaps the only answer to that query is found in another question, "Who WAS I?"

For caregivers, the dance of competing identities is refereed by personal freedom or the lack of it.  Ideas of spontaneity, whimsical choice, time wasted, hobbies enjoyed - these are foreign to most caregivers.  And yet, our true selves are most evident in such deeply personal activities.  Unfettered by the concerns of others, do I prefer solitude or company?  Would I choose to knit or to dance?  Taken together, these choices tell us about ourselves and give us a clear sense of who we are, or who we used to be.

Time and time again, caregiving counsellors wag their fingers at us, "Take time for yourself", they say.  But sometimes, carving out space and time is not so easy, especially if that muscle isn't exercised regularly.  I remember once, sitting at home when Jim took the children to the park.  I didn't know what to do - I tried to read a magazine, but the pictures and writing were meaningless to me.  I had lost my sense of self.  I was given a sliver of freedom,  but I didn't know what to do with it.

Sometimes layering on architecture for action helps.  A thought or idea can perform this function.  Something like, "I can't go outside today, but I am here in this room.  What freedom for choices do I have here?"  Taking time to look around and choose to wash the dishes instead of baking a cake can be revealing.  Pondering the meaning of small choices can help to answer the question, "Who am I now that I am a caregiver?"  Choosing to wash the dishes may provoke a realisation that warm, soapy water is soothing, or that there is satisfaction in a tidy sink.  Perhaps baking a cake is an act that is infused with love and the memory of birthdays past.  Perhaps these choices echo back a message that the caregiver identity is a nurturing one.  Meanings that can be discerned about personhood from small choices in daily living will fuel a sense of power and self-knowledge.

Perhaps a worthy caregiver New Year's resolution would be to reconcile past and present identities.  "Who would I like to be?" is more difficult, but not impossible to ponder.  Maybe the way toward that tricky territory is to change the question to, "Who would I like to be today?"  The answer could form a worthy resolution for 2014.

To all Caregivers everywhere, Happy New Year.