National Caregivers Month: The Third Pillar is Patience

Patience. We learn it the hard way in caregiving. In this break-neck-speed society, caregivers are like student drivers, always trying to put our foot on the gas, but with 'fate', the driving instructor, firmly putting his foot on the metaphorical brake. 

Caring for young children, an elderly parent, a loved one with disabilities, or someone dear with illness - all these situations call for slowing down, putting our worldly concerns on hold and being patient. We are patient when our loved ones eat slowly at mealtimes, we are patient waiting for their test results or for insurance settlements.  The urge to scream at the different paces of competing needs is real in every caregiver's life. 

But patience always wins, because it must. Aging, infirmity, living with illness or disability - all of these ways of getting through the day whether you are giving or receiving care - all of these take time.  More time than we are used to devoting to tasks such as getting dressed or having a bath.

And palliative caregivers know only too well that it requires time and patience to die. And yet when that frustrating slowness suddenly halts and the life of a dearly loved one ends.... this is how one caregiver expressed her feelings in an online support forum:

I lost my Dad on Sunday night. He was so sick for so long but in the end he died within 5 minutes. After almost six years of taking care of him and seeing him every day I can't believe I am finally out of a job. Never thought I would miss the burden of caregiving but I feel lost without him as my daily anchor. For those who are still in the midst of it, I hope you can find some small joy before it's over. The other side of it seems even tougher. 💕

Learning to be patient is connected to learning to love in the form of compassionate action that we call caregiving. It is both a blessing and a curse - like most things in life. And the stops, the starts, the quickness and slowness are all hard to absorb. Caregiving is never just one speed - the constant is the requirement for patience, even patience to endure grief.

THE INFALLIBLE PRESENCE OF JOY

Priya Soni is a new friend and fellow caregiver. Like me, Priya has a background in theatre as well as a natural love for storytelling. Like me, she seeks meaning in her caregiving experience and wants to help others do the same.  I encourage you to read more of her work HERE. 

THE INFALLIBLE PRESENCE OF JOY - MY AUTHENTIC STATE

by Priya Soni

I was recently asked how I was able to move to joy so soon after the passing of my father. I find that defining moments such as this one are met with the  building of a relationship with many types of emotions. The adjustment to a new way of living can be colorful if I allow for the accessibility to it. However, in the months after my caregiving responsibilities came to a close and my father's loss was more palpable, describing my experience as one that was swaddled in joy seemed misguided and implausible. I had invariably conformed to thinking that joy was an emphatic state of bliss that overcomes our being. But I have since realized that authentic joy for me is wandering in and with the extensions of all of my experiences.  I now diagnose the circumstances surrounding and ingrained profoundly within my caregiving story as moments full of agony, curiosity and revelation--all of which have generously reached out to the hand of joy. Yes, unrelenting joy.

One evening, my father needed assistance putting on his shoes. He was in a power chair, as his mobility and balance were considerably limited to bend down and take on what he had once experienced as a simple daily action.  He gently pointed to the pale brown slippers directly in front of his feet and looked at me holding a gaze of appreciation.  I delicately placed his slippers on his feet and he placed his hand on my head- a gesture that showed his respect for me.  In a world that is full of complexities, joy finds its way to those quiet, uncomplicated moments. It is attainable even in times that ask us to succumb to despair.

Part of my discovery was ceasing any of my prior beliefs in how it should present itself. Joy paved the way from unforeseen circumstances to a worldly purpose. It is the undercurrent of what runs my creative process. It is full of blessed moments that are filled with sorrow and elation as it opens up a conversation with myself and humanity. As I took more time to indulge in it, it blew through what I had once considered "my story" and redirected my energy to listen to the many stories of others who walked a path similar to mine and whose unique and diverse accounts have only elevated my gratitude for community.

Joy shows up to give each beginning and each ending the comfort of peace, as a way to expand our mind and live courageously in every incredible span of transformation. And in the recognition of this, I gladly show up for joy too.